The Turning of A Chapter

Last night I came to a realization that I am truly in the Father's care and the purpose for my life is continuous and unknown for the most part.  However, what I do know is that He has a purpose for me and a purpose for this.  I could continue to grieve, whine and complain.  I could continue to pity myself and declare that this life is meaningless without true understanding.  Yet there is one thing that I have learned and it is that I am a strong woman, a woman of wisdom and imperfections.  I may not be the best but I am the best person to accomplish the purpose God has assigned to me.  

The Father spoke to my heart and was the only one to make sense of the statement, "Malik was here to serve his purpose and his purpose was completed."  At the time when people said that it didn't make sense and to be honest now it still doesn't make sense completely.  My statement to their platitude was always, "What in the world could the purpose of my son have been as an infant in the womb?"  I got my answer last night in worship.  The Holy Spirit ministered to me as 'clear as day', as we say in the Bahamas, and said that Malik's life and process of growth and death was all to make room in my life for the purpose that is being birthed out of me.  My heart's increased capacity and this entire experience is all apart of God drawing me into His purpose and though I am not certain of what that is I am finally free and the burden removed.  I am finally able to look at my life and see more than I feel.   Yes, at times I 'feel' helpless and hopeless.  At times I feel tired and beaten down but that's only what I feel and not what I know.

I know that all things work together for good for them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.  I know that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made and made in His image and in His likeness.  I know that He is concerned with everything that concerns me and says that I am blessed in the city and blessed in the fields.  He says that I am the head and not the tail and above and not beneath.  He says that when the enemy comes in like a flood the Spirit of the Lord will raise up a standard before him.  My God, my Father, my friend that sticks closer than a brother says that He who has begun a good work in me is faithful to complete it.  I Know The God That I Serve and He said that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  I love my God and though at times I don't do what I should or say what I should, or pray like I should He is always there.  Oh thank you Jesus for always interceding on my behalf ensuring that I have the ear of the Father.  

I am only a vessel of the Father and however, He needs to use me or get my attention then so be it.  Therefore, I have decided to bring this chapter of my journey to a close.  No more having a space to cry on or a place to continue my self loathing and anguish, all of that/this is meaningless. Who is this blog helping really?  All it does is perpetuate the sadness and I am not sad any more. I'm not angry anymore.  I've got my joy back and I've got my peace back.  Nahaja Black is back. The new phase in my life, the next chapter, will be to set my eyes on the cross.  The Holy Spirit told me that there are words that He wants me to speak and write.  Though I am not sure where this road is taking me, I know that I am being lead by Him and He said that if I make one step He will make two more for me.  It's time for me to take the plunge.  If you wish you can join me on this new journey with the Lord.  The name of my new blog will be called Purpose Driven.  Let's dive into the deep together.  I know for some that this isnt appealing and it all sounds good but hey I have nothing left to lose so why the heck not. :)

The Mystery Within

There is a mystery to life. A mystery that leaves us wondering of the next turn, the ups and the down. There is a mystery of how in the midst of sorrow we can feel joy. A mystery that in the midst of hate we can still feel love. It's a mystery. It's a mystery how even when we have everything how we want and say that we 'need' more. It's amazing how with the same mouth from which we can say, 'I love you", we can say "I hate you". It's a mystery how a God so good and righteous and Holy can love and care for someone so tainted and broken and messed up as me. How he loves me is beyond comprehension. I am no better now than I was before Aug 29th, actually I think that I am worse.

I find that I am angrier now than ever before and I am not certain why. Yet in the midst of this I am at my most creative. I find now that I am more aware of what is important and what is not, yet at the same time I am wrestling with the vanity of it all. I am considering myself a mystery. Between the space of 24hours I had two people that I barely know or would hardly expect to be thinking of me, call me and say that the Lord has placed me on their heart to pray for me. I find this interesting because I would consider this entire week a good week minus the car accident, of which i was in the wrong. Thankfully, no one was hurt. But all of this makes me wonder what is God up to? What does He have planned that I am unaware of and if the angels are fighting on my behalf how come I am so unaware that I am in trouble? I tell you my friends it is all a mystery.

"Father not my will but thine be done."

Ecclesiastes 1

Everything Is Meaningless

1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

First Sunday

Funny I havent posted anything in a while.  I know my last entry was a bit cryptic but Im good. Just frustrated.  There is still this emptiness that I seem not to be able to fill and now Im here just being, just living but with little life in me.  I still can laugh which is good but its a fleeting joy.  It seems never to last.  I need the moment to last.  I don't think that Im depressed but I think that I am now seeing my life through stronger lens and am now confronted with how empty my life is. Maybe this is the reason for me losing my son.  Maybe God wanted me to see that my life was and is wrapped around so many other things rather than Him.  Maybe all of this is not because He's proud of me but maybe more to the fact that I may have other gods beside or above Him.  What do you think?   Hahaha look at me asking the reader.  Now that's classic. 

These are the days of my life.  All week I've had people ask me, "So did you have the baby yet?" or "When did you have the baby?".  To be honest I find it more amazing that all of Nassau doesnt know since it feels like my entire pregnancy was known by the majority of the Bahamian public.   I think the enemy was just trying to rattle my cage.  However, Im thinking that he's gonna have to work a wee bit harder.  Im getting tougher now and even though at times I still can't believe that this is my life.  So be it.

Yesterday, I was driving home from church and a wave of sadness hit me and I pulled over by the beach out by the caves and just sat there in my car, listening to the waves crash on the shore in a hypnotizing melody.  Inside I wanted to break down and just let it all go, but I was afraid that if I did I would find myself being carted off in the little pink bus to the big pink house.  So I sat there and sighed.  I just prayed and asked God to look at me and see that Im tired and I need Him to fill me.  You know a 'no work but get paid' freebie.  I could use one of those.  Where He fills me with Him without me having to fast and pray, and fast and pray some more.  

Dead Woman Walking

Ok so its been two months now and I'm more lost than ever.  I guess people are expecting me to be ok now but no such luck.  Actually it feels like the walls are closing in on me and I am running out of air.  The best thing about being back home is being with Marquin, the worst thing about being back home is just being back home.  I am just reminded more and more about what I should be enjoying but am not.  Then Im reminded that Im feeling sorry for myself but So What!  Don't I have a right to be sad and not feel guilty for it.  Thats how people make me feel, like I shouldnt be sad and if I am, Im weak.  Well screw them!!!  I am trying my best to get over it but I cant pin point how.   Heck I am not even thinking of him most of the time.  Its like I have this grey cloud over my head and it keeps following me so even in my good days its never good enough.  This sucks!!! Im out!!!

A Good Man

Webster defines the word 'Good' as (1): of a favorable character or tendency, (2): free from injury or disease, (3): not depreciated, (4): commercially sound, (5): that can be relied on, (6) : profitable, adventagous, (7) : of a noticeably large size or quantity, (8) Clever, Amusing. 

Now stop me if Im wrong ladies but doesn't 'good' sound darn good?  Isn't good exactly what we are loking for? Though 'good' sounds like a simple word it embodies everything that we need and want right?  Now lets put 'man' after it and we have considerable a prize worth winning.

Lets face it women, 'good' men are hard to find and even harder to find in the Bahamas, with so few in the gene pool no wonder why women settle.  Its sad but true, but when you have found one and he desires you thank the Lord in many tongues because you have been and highly favored.   Listen after everything God made in the beginning all he said after was "This is Good".  God didnt need any extra words like fabulous, or awesome just Good.  Heck God, Himself, put His name in good just so you know how good 'good' is.  Feel me?   Just like a woman is like a beautiful accessory to him so is a good man like a luxury vehicle, your proud to own it, love the interior just as much as the exterior, a lifetime warranty and what a smooth ride.  Gatta love um. 

I must confess ladies that I have a Good Man.  I've got a man that calls me through the day to see how I'm doing, a man who massages my feet, who tells me how he loves me. I've got a man that takes care of me to where I need for nothing.  A man who sees his future with only me and our family in it.  There is no threat of anything or anyone taking my place.  Through this whole ordeal he has been my biggest support.  He prays for me and with me.  He understands my tears and doesnt pressure me to be someone or something that I'm not.  Even when we argue or disagree we are never at risk of falling apart. Everyday the unspoken is still heard and the intangible seen.  Together we are unstoppable, a formidable force, we are the Blacks.  Black is Back!!!!

Ok ok so whats your point Nahaja?  Are you gonna write an entire post about you and your lovie dovie relationship?  Well, um yeah!!  LOL  Ok being serious now the reason that this post is important is that as I look back at us losing Malik I realized that no matter what good you think that you've done or how great you think your life is at any moment tragedy can come and what keeps you is love.  Love from your family, love from your friends and love from your spouse.  I dont know how I could have gotten through this without Marquin.  I don't know how I would have slept if he wasnt there laying beside me and taking care of me. His love helped to restore me but it is a love that was tested.  

How do you know when love is real, is it proven by how you feel, that is, is it related to the fact that you have never felt this way before?  Well the truth of the matter is you never know the strength of a thing until its tested.  A building is only as strong as its foundation so how do you test the foundation?  You plan it perfectly and follow the rules of engagement then you give it time to cure, then finally the big test, you build on it and wait and see.  Huge skyscrapers are built to sway in the breeze just like bridges.  They cant be rigid but rather have a bit of a give so that they sway in the high winds to avoid collapse.  Thats how a relationship is, the same with love.  Love realizes that stuff happens and makes room for the swaying and gives a bit.  Love gets stronger after a test.  Love gets fortifide and becomes greater between two people when they have been tested and have passed.  In a test like ours we always knew before this loss happened that we, each other, came first.  I remember asking Marquin this question before we were even pregnant and once again during the pregnancy, "If the doctors said that there was a problem with the baby and you were made to choose between me or the baby which would you choose?" Without hesitation he always said, "You". 

I remember in an earlier post I mentioned how the storm of losing Malik was around a category 4, the reason why it was only a category 4 was because to lose Marquin would be the most devastating.  I know I can recover from losing Malik, even though the emptiness of his loss may never go away, but I know that I would be beyond devastated if I lost Marquin, my best friend and my love.   How do you replace love?  How do you forget love?  Once you have loved it is hard to turn back, it is hard to just move on and not long for that again.  As sistas we are famous for loving the wrong person and then find ourselves bleeding on the floor.  Love is a powerful and yet sometimes deadly weapon.  It can even be considered a weapon of mass destruction if you count the mass as your entire being.  

I think the reason why good men may be hard to find for us is because we don't know how to look for them.  We carry so much baggage and so many ill concieved notions of a good man that we miss the 'right man'.  You see the good man for you is not only the one that meets the above definition of good but also the one that meets God's standard of right.  We always fall for the good but never for the right.  The reason being is that 'right now good' always seems to trump the 'right good'.  We are so busy complaining about the grunt fishes that we have been catching that we have neglected to notice the school of grouper on the other side of the boat.  Sometimes all it takes is a change in our approach.  Shucks after fishing for so long and losing hope, Jesus came and told Peter those, "cast your net on the other side."  The Bible said that they caught so much fish that they had to drag the net behind them.  Sometimes all it takes is for us to listen to God's direction.  He knows where your 'more than enough' is, all it takes is trust.  

We Dont Know Anything About Music

Last night was the first time that Ive step foot in a church since August 29th.  Nyoshie took me to one of her friend's church where they were having a gospel concert. To my suprise their guest artist was Twinkie Clarke, one of the Clarke sisters.  It was an awesomely refreshing experience. The sensation was like waking up on a cool autumn morning where the air is light and fresh or like drinking a sweet cool drink in the height of summer.  It provided a spark in the tiny dark room called my life at that moment.  To see my brothers and sisters in the kingdom worship the same as we do in the Bahamas brought a smile on my face.  To see young people embrace and dance to the music reminded me of who I was or better yet who I am.  To walk into a place of worship and know that no one knew my history, my hurt or loss was wonderful, to only see smiles and no remorse made the experience even more satisfying.   

Yet it was the music that was the balm to my soul.  The sweet melodious sounds of voices that blended so smooth, rich and sweet like honey.  It was the music that awakened my dormant spirit.  It was like jump starting a dead battery.  The music was so strong and powerful yet soft enough to nurture the broken spirit.  The voices of these human angels sang the songs of heaven and worship that made my heart smile.  They sang with so much ease and confidence that my inward smile became my outward expression.  Four voices sounds like a 30 piece orchestra. Four voices demanded that we put our entire praise team into a voice training boot camp.  Four people made our laughable choral seem like a body of standing corpses.  Four voices!!!  My God!. Its a good thing whenever we sing God filters out the sound and hears to music that comes from our heart and not our throats.  

These brothers and sisters here can SANG!  Don't get me started on Twinkie Clarke, that short big butt woman can blow the ocean back some hundred feet from the shore.  The sista can make the deaf hear a note and embrace the groove.  Her voice can send shivers down your spine and then make your mouth have a permit dropped jaw position.  We dont have anything on these Americans when it comes to music.  Oh and did I mention that it was FREE.  Hell yeah it was FREE.  When was the last time we went to a free concert that included anyone other than the "Jesus Dont Leave Me Now Church of God Second Catherdral Prophecy Final Hour Full Gospel Mass Choir Praise Group Choral, or better yet a concert without our 'no verse' DJ Counsellor and 'yah yah' Avelanchee? Someone please tell me when was the last time you listened to great live music with voices that the angels get jealous of because we were putting them out of business?   Ummmm, either never or not in a long long time.  Such I have been so accustomed to "our" singing that I forgot that good/great/awesome singing existed.   Beautiful voices that sing to God when you hear it is like taking a bath after being underground for months and your body covered with grim and dirt.  Its just that refreshing.  The sad part about this is is that we don't even think about it anymore, we have had the bad for so long that we think that its good.  God help me when I do go back to church, I am certain I am gonna feel jipped.  Probably ask for a praise team refund.  

The Sun Is 'Out' Today

Today Im in Toledo Ohio by a good friend of mine who has so graciously opened her home to me for two weeks. I am looking forward to this time just being away from Nassau is refreshing in itself. The only person missing is Marquin. Yesterday's traveling was taxing but well worth it. It took about 6 hrs to get to Detroit and another hour to get to to where I am now.

Its amazing how and when the Lord decides to speak to you and through what means He chooses to convey His point. I was sitting on the runway in Atlanta getting ready to take off and the weather was terrible. It was four o'clock in the afternoon and it looked like it was 7:30 at night. The sky was blanketed with dark clouds making visibility virtually nill but we flew anyway. You would never have known that it was day time if you didnt KNOW.

To say that the ride was bumpy would be an understatement. The constant fluctautions in altitude and the twists and turns of the airplane reminded me of a great rollercoaster ride when you would drop suddenly and you would feel your heart skip two beats and your stomach go somewhere up your chest. The once talkative passengers on the flight were eerily silent, all captured by their own thoughts of their humanity Im sure and so was the pilot. Never once during this time was I concerned for our welfare because I knew that this moment was just temporary. I knew that the clouds that blackened the sky and served as our obstacle had to end, as long as the pilot was calm, I was calm.

However, what really captured me was the darkness and how I had just left Nassau and the sun was at its most radiant, the earth from its rays never looked so maginificant but here I was about 3 hours later and the sky had changed. The sun that I expected to see was not visible anymore, all that could be seen was the looming gray skies that warned of its wrath and dared us to take it on, that dared us to pass through but we had to. To make it to our next destination the pilot had to start the engines of this jet and ride onto that taramac. His passangers had another destination and it wasnt Atlanta. What the pilot knew about the storm was that all he had to do was keep moving forward against the wind and the rain and through the darkness, to get to the right altitude above the fray of the bad weather and toward the calmness of the sun. The Sun, that I saw earlier was still there. It never left. It was still brilliant but hidden. There was still calm skies but just beyond the clouds.

This is what the Lord ministered to me. He reminded me that He is the Sun that shines everyday and brings light to the world. Everyday we KNOW that the sun will shine. Everyday, the sun appears even when we don't see it because of the clouds. The sun is always doing its job and it's always on time. It rises and sets with meticulous certainty and just becasuse you don't see it doesnt mean that it is not doing its job. The clouds will pass and it will be there. During this I heard the song from Annie called 'Tomorrow' where its says that the 'Sun will come out tomorrow' and the Father reminded me that the sun is always 'Out'. It never leaves its post. Thats when He told me that He is like the Sun.

There are times in our lives when circumstances dare us to move forward, dares us to face the storm and fight through it. There are circumstances that dare us to rise above the fray and to fly but He reminds us that peace is required for when you ride through and faith is knowing that He will be there at the end. The sun will shine again. Its right there beckoning you to come to it. It calls us to believe that it is doing its job. He is asking us to trust that He is doing His job which is guiding us and protecting us.

He told me that though the way seems dark and the ride unsure know that He is navigating my life, our lives and leading us to Him. There will be peace and hope again. This storm will pass and I am in the midst of it but just beyond the clouds He is there with arms wide open. This journey is just a test of my faith and will be my victorious testimony.

Folding Dreams, Packing Promises

The title of today's blog entry is so simply stated and yet so profoundly accurate. Today I did fold dreams and I did pack promises. Today I stumbled into a wall of hurt and a barrage of pain and loss. Its amazing now how in a split second my day can be transformed from great, hopeful, uneventful to tragic, heartbreaking, gut wrenching pain. Its amazing. I can get through the entire day without feeling like a part of me is missing and then in another breath I am broken and bleeding on the floor.

Today, just like the days previous, I woke up with joy in my heart but a tired mind. I decided that I would just clean up around the house. I cleaned and I cleaned with a new determination, as if I was trying to wipe away the world or something. It was crazy. Then it was time to fold up the clean clothes and put them away. This normally is a very mundane task and one that is as easy as pie but today I decided to take it a step further. I'm not just gonna put the clothes away but I'm going to clean the drawers out and fold everything in them. Don't ask me why, it was just something that I felt needed to be done. If I had known what was to come I probably would have decided against it.

FOLDING DREAMS
Who would have thought that folding clothes could be so dramatic? Not me for sure. Today I folded mine and my husband's clothes and finished them up easily. I decided to check the next room to see if there were any stray clothes in there that I might have missed and sure enough there was a bag filled with some clothes that we never put away after the last wash. I went through the bag and started folding mindlessly until I can upon some of my maternity clothes. Each one I folded brought back a memory. The green blouse I use to love to wear reminded me of the day when Marquin and I took photos in the store with him holding my pregnant belly. The black blouse with the glitter on it reminded me of when I was emceeing at the Youth Alive conference and I was telling the crowd how great it is being a mother to be. I remembered how the black polo shirt was my favorite because it was the only one that didn't show how much I was sweating. Then there was the simple little brown shirt that I wore when I first felt him kick. Such memories made it hard to not cry, made it hard to breathe, made it hard to stand. Who knew folding clothes could be so dramatic?

After folding the clothes it was time to clean out the dresser drawers to put the clothes in. This is where I stumbled across Malik's first and second ultra sound photo's. My heart stopped for a second as I remembered more. I remembered how excited Marquin was to hear and see that it was a boy. I couldn't help but smile in the midst of my tears just in remembering how happy we were and seeing that big silly grin on his face. It was as if we were told that we had just won the lotto. One thing I also remembered about that day was how I was slightly dissappointed that it wasnt twins. Ha! Just to have one child now would make me more than satisfied.

How is it that I can miss someone that Ive only known for 8 months, someone that never looked at me or saw the light of day? This pain I feel can not be describe. This pill Ive been given is hard to swallow. Im tired of tasting my tears. I wish I could wake up and it all be a bad dream. It feels like Ive been cheated out giving this excess love that I have been growing and gathering for him for eight months. There is no Malik to recieve this love, this love that breaks my heart, this love that makes me ache for him, this love that is indescribable, this love that runs deeper than deep, this love that wont let me forget him. This love that leaves me longing to see him, hold him, just to smell him again.

I can't see for my tears. I can't feel for the pain. I thought I was getting over this but I guess Im not. I need more time.

PACKING PROMISES
At the end of it all I had to put the clothes away. I had to be smart about this and put all of the clothes that I won't be using for a while at the bottom of the drawers and the others to the top. I was putting away or packing my promise. I was packing the promise of pregnancy which is life at the end of the cycle, not death. I was packing all of the hopes and dreams those clothes signified. I was packing the truth that I was no longer pregnant and there was no baby to show. Oct 13th, 2008 was to be the day that Malik was to have been born to Marquin and I but instead it was Aug 29th, 2008. He was not alive when he came but he added life to ours while he was here. I will never forget our son. I will never forget our joy. One day I will unpack those maternity clothes again and the next time we will see our promise and he/she will live to tell of the Glory of our King.

I Have to Believe

I've been struggling within my heart and my mind, trying to digest the notion that the loss of my son has a 'good' purpose. That God allowed our son to be taken for some greater good that is not yet been made clear to Marquin and I, and to be honest that has been the toughest pill to swallow. Its hard to not feel slighted and robbed. I ask God, why did you let us carry him for such a long time only to have him not live, especially for a pregnancy that never had a problem one day, especially for a child that was always so active? What is the purpose of this? I know God DIDN'T take him from us but He did know it was coming, so why no warning? I think I would have preferred a miscarriage over a stillbirth. Time builds relationship, connection and hope. Time strengthens the bonds of love and increases the probability of greater hurt, but time also heals. I know we will heal but I wish I knew the purpose. I wish I knew why and for whom this is all for? Is this all for us alone? Then I am reminded of the scripture below and in this mornings darkness I found light. This scripture reminded me of His promises and His design to bless us beyond what we can imagine, to increase us in our faith in Him and strengthen us to overcome any test.

How do you go through something like this, such as a stillbirth where 50% of the time there is no explanation for your child's death, and not have the Father to lean on and to cry to? How do you survive the hurt and the emptiness? How do you ever manage to smile again if the joy of the Lord is not inside of you? Joy is so much more different than happiness. Happiness is lived in the moment but joy is there in spite of the moment. I thank God for His word because it is through this that my faith is made stronger. I have to believe that weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning. I have to believe that this too shall pass and I have to believe that this tragic event in our lives is being worked out for our good. I Have To Believe, if not I would probably curl up and die. I have to believe in God.

(The Message Bible) Romans 8:18-39

18-21"That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

22-25All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.

None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

My Mind

I feel like im going crazy. I wanna cry but I cant. Im afraid that if I do I will totally lose it. Does that make sense? I don't feel any closer to God than before this all happened. Im lost. Im a ticking time bomb, just waiting to erupt into tears and pent up rage. Right now I feel nothing, nada, no pain, no anger, no joy, NOTHING? I am the walking dead. Im finding it even hard to talk with God now, all I can do is listen. I wonder if that is a good thing. Im an empty shell, walking about aimlessly, not able to concentrate or think straight. I guess thats why Ive been on a reading frenzy lately, it helps to take my mind on another journey. I hate the quite time, the moments alone but I still dont want to be amongst people yet. I am not yet ready to look into peoples eyes and see their pity for me and their remorse. I cant deal with that yet.

Gridlocked, dazed and confused. Lost and ambivalent. Torn and broken. Destroyed and dismayed. Whatever this phase is in the grief process I hate it. Why cant i feel anything anymore other than nothing? I want to cry so that this hurt would disappear but its not happening. Why can't I be like normal people and cry myself to sleep for the first few months until i can cry no more. Today makes 4 weeks since Malik's death and I am not feeling anything? What the heck is that?

The Pain of This Postpartum Body

Right now I wish I were thousands of miles away from my life. I wish I were on an adventure or doing something more than sitting here in this postpartum body. My body is proving to be the sick reminder of Malik everyday. Everyday that I hurt from merely sitting or laughing and feel the pangs of pain I am reminded that I shouldn't be happy. I hate this place of helplessness I'm in right now. I am not use to this. I wish I would be well and whole already.

Everyone says to, "Take it easy you just had a child." At times I just want to scream and ask, "Where Is This child That I Just Had? Where is he? He's dead and Im here stuck being reminded that he's dead." God it hurts. It hurts soo bad sometimes its hard to breathe, hard to look in the mirror and hard to pray. I try to work and its hard to concentrate. My arms and my heart are empty. I was never suppose to roll out of that hospital without my son. I wasn't suppose to be on pills that stop the production of the breast milk my body started to produce from his conception. The pain my body suffered was to be overshadowed by the joy of us having our child. Our son would be home with us while I was on bed rest and soaking in salt water to heal up. Now all I have our empty arms and stitches as constant reminders.

The pain my body feels is only exacerbated by the pain my heart feels. I'm hurting. My heart hurts, my eyes hurt from crying, my head hurts from thinking. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sad and most of all I'm tired of being sick. I try to be strong but there are days when I feel that I am only one word, one image, one thought away from a breakdown. One day all of this pain will be gone but I guess today just isn't that day. No one who hasn't gone through this will ever understand the hurt but if there is anything that you can always do, is simply to pray. Pray for me and my family so that we remain strong or better yet that the Father becomes our strength because I'm short on strength today.

The Fear of Forgetfulness

Isaiah 61:2-3 (Amplified Bible) 2To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] ^[a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,^(A) 3To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Today I don't know what to say or how to say it. I'm filled with a million thoughts and a million feelings. This morning i woke up and my eyes immediately filled with tears. I thought of him as I just laid there - not planning of thinking of him -but I just did. I remembered his hair, his little beautiful hands, his beautiful feet, the way he danced with me when we listened to music or when I sang a song in the car. I remembered how he kicked me every time, and I mean every time I misbehaved, which was alot. I remembered how he would jump when he heard his father speak to him or kiss my belly. I remembered him...and it hurt. The stabs of a hundred knives is all I can reasonably gather that pain felt like. My tears fell silently but profusely staining my pillow, a giant knot filled my throat making it hard to breathe, I miss him.

I know it may seem silly to some since I only held him for a few minutes but it felt as if he has been apart of my life my entire life. I worry that I will forget him, since some days I actually enjoy the day. The sad days are far further apart and I wonder if I am grieving wrong. In a sick way I was actually happy that I still ache for him. I want to know that I will never forget him or his beautiful face. I don't want to forget him but at the same time I dont want to hurt anymore. I want to know, "How do I mesh the two?" How do I love and live with loss? Does anyone have the answer for me?

A very good friend of mine just gave birth to her long awaited baby boy and I am soo happy for her but its been hard. I havent seen her or spoken to her because I don't know yet if I can handle it. Actually, I know I can't handle it yet. I feel like a terrible friend in that I am not there to celebrate in her joy and the wonderful life and promise she has in her son but the wounds I bear are still to fresh. I really wish that I could be a stronger person but I find that this is where I am weak.

My dad told me the other day that I need to move on and called this "small things". I know he wasn't trying to be cruel or insensitive but he just doesn't understand, apart of me wants to grieve forever so that I can punish myself for this failure but I know that that doesn't make sense and doesn't serve my husband or my purpose any good. However, I am finding it hard to just 'get over it'. Its bigger than "small things", its so much bigger than that. I pray, I really do pray that no one ever has to experience this, to lose a love so dear to them. This is the biggest tragedy in my life and like I said in an earlier blog I didn't see it coming but I will survive and better than that I will conquer, but 'Oh God, WHEN????'

My Eyes See Differently Now

I have been laying here for a while desperately thinking of how I would start this chapter in my blog. I have been racking my brain for a great introductory statement that would help explain how my world has changed, how when I see, whether my eyes are open or closed I see my son on my chest and him so looking peaceful. How when I see a little girl or boy in their school uniform I see a baby that lived and is now growing up to hopefully fulfill their destiny in this life. My eyes see hope but at the same time my heart feels loss. Even when I am having a good day the images of Malik flash across my mind as a reminder of what I have lost. One day this pain will subside but I guess today is not that day.

I think of the plans that Marquin and I made to share our lives with Malik. A funny one would be how we had planned, since we both love football but root for different teams, that we would share him. We would buy two NFL jerseys, one of the Colts and the other of the Cowboys and cut them in half and sew it into one jersey until Malik was old enough to pick sides. I was even thinking of face paint. LOL Before his death my mind's eye saw us three going to the carnival, taking trips or just sitting in the living room eating popcorn and enjoying the Sunday football games. I had already seen him going to kindergarden the first day and then graduating from college. I saw him playing with his father in the backyard of our home and him and his dad talking about girls. I saw so much. Now when my eyes see a football game, or a student, or even some commercials all I can now see and feel is that those dreams will never become a reality, but I cant stop the images in my head. I cant stop the pain in my heart, and there are some days when I just can't stop the tears. How do you just stop loving a child or dreaming for them when for eight months thats all you did? How come no one told me that this was even a possibility? How come I didnt see this one coming?

Yet my eyes see differently now. I see life in everything even though death and loss is prevelant. I am reminded that once we have breath in our lungs we have hope, but once we are 'gone' we are nothing but a memory. A memory of moments shared and of plans undone. Whilst we are alive we must embrace each day with joy and purpose.

To be honest I wonder why I ever decided to write this blog. Who is it helping? Who cares what Im going through, when there are people all over the world who have gone through worse situations than mine. Who am I to feel pity for myself? There is no victory in sorrow. Who am I helping? Is there a greater purpose for why we are going through this, Father? Is there a greater purpose? The saddest thing in my mind would be to go through something like this and it never help a soul. My greatest fear is that we fail at this test. We cannot fail at this test. Someone, one day will be helped by our testimony. Someone somewhere in the world will know that they are not alone and that the pain, shock, anger, guilt and confusion that they feel is apart of the grieving process but that there is a God who is with them through this and His name is Jesus. A God who can save us from our sorrows, who can dampen the sting of death. There will be dark days but through it all the light of His truth leads us home.

Please, let me know if this blog is helping or encouraging you in anyway because right now it seems as if its only helping me. If you want to follow this blog, just click on the "Follow This Blog" link on the left and leave a comment. Thanks for your prayers.

A Song I Wanted To Share

Hey there guys, here is a songs that my friend Crystal sent to me and it really blessed my heart and encouraged me. It was written and sung by a couple that also lost their baby. With today being a rough day, getting this song reminded me that we will see Malik again. He is heaven's baby now and I know he is doing far better than even the happiest person on earth. To our Glory Baby, Mommy & Daddy loves you and misses you.

more Watermark lyrics

Glory Baby Lyrics

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

(chorus)

full lyrics

more lyrics

Questions

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Prov 4:7

After losing a child before he has even had a chance to live, many questions are asked, mostly by myself and then by others. Questions one may find illogical and another may find 100% founded based on the circumstance. In my mind there were a million questions after doc told us that there was no fetal heartbeat. A million questions directed at many people, including myself.

Questions Asked To The Doctor:

1) WHAT?

2) How did this happen?

3) How could this happen?

4) Was it something I did?

5) Will it happen again?

6) Why didn't you see that something was wrong?

7) What do you mean most of the time there is no explanation for a stillbirth, our baby was alive yesterday and this morning?

8) What do you mean we will have to deliver him?

9) Are you crazy?

10) Is there a chance you can be wrong?

Questions I asked Myself:

1) How did this happen?

2) What did I do to deserve this?

3) Is this all a bad dream?

4) Did I hear him (the doctor) right?

5) Will my husband still love me?

6) Does my husband blame me for the loss of his son?

7) How did I screw this up?

8) How am I going to get through this?

9) What will I say to everyone who was so excited about my pregnancy?

10) How will I face the world after this failure?

Questions I asked God:

1) Why me, Lord? Why me?

2) Why give us a baby and then let the enemy take him away before we even got to know him?

3) How can this be your will?

4) How will we get through this Lord?

5) Father are you there?

6) How long will this pain and devastation last?

7) Are you taking care of Marquin?

8) Why did you let me pray for Malik the morning before, covering him with your blood, asking you to protect him in the womb, asking You for a healthy baby and to make him a great man, if You Knew he would be dead the next morning? Why?

Of all of the questions asked that one right there was the one that plagued me the most. I have heard people say DON'T QUESTION GOD, but I find it hard to believe that God wouldn't want us to question Him. He say's ask and ye shall receive. Why is it we think that we have to ask God for a 'thing/object' only? What if all I want is an answer, is that a sin?

In the 1st chapter of Job, the last verse it said "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.", and I thought hey one thing I am not doing is charging God with the death of my son. That was never the problem so can I ask Him one question, "Why did you let me pray for my son intently and intensely the morning before he died in my womb? I feel like a fool God. Imagine the enemy snickering and his minions laughing at me saying, "She doesn't know whats coming. Wait until tomorrow and we will see if you pray then." My question to my Father was simply, "Why?"

To be honest I was angry. My grief had moved from shock and numbness, to hurt, devastation, then to anger. But how could I be angry with God? So then I checked myself but I still needed an answer from the One who Knows all things. So I asked Him and surprisingly, I did get my answer. It was right there in the first chapter of Job.

Job 1:4-5 " His sons used to take turns hosting parties in their homes, always inviting their three sisters to join them in their merrymaking. When the parties were over, Job would get up early in the morning and sacrifice a burnt offering for each of his children, thinking, "Maybe one of them sinned by defying God inwardly." Job made a habit of this sacrificial atonement, just in case they'd sinned."

Job was famous to God for covering his children. No matter what, he did so just in case they sinned against God. Job prayed for his children and kept them before the Father, just like I did Malik. Though I never prayed that God would forgive Malik of his sins since he was still sinless, I did pray that God would protect him and cover him and keep him safe. The Father ministered to me that the reason why I prayed was becasue I was doing what all good God fearing parents do, which is cover their children.

Though the Father knew what was to be the following morning He allowed me the opportunity to pray for my child one last time. He reminded me of my prayers and I know one day our sons that will be born healthy, strong, gentle and wise will be the total sum of all of the prayers that I prayed over Malik. Even though the Father didn't warn me of the storm to come He knew, just like He knew about Job, that I and Marquin, we, would overcome and instead of losing faith our faith would increase.

I am certain if the enemy knew that Marquin and I would increase in praise he would have tried another tactic. Oh but no waepon formed against us will prosper. We are indeed the head and not the tail, we are above and not beneath. We Are More Than Conquerors. Our Latter will be greater than the rest. Ask God questions and know that He will answer you. He is just that faithful. Even when you ask 'Why' be prepared for the answer. All along the Father was just looking for an excuse to bless Job with a double portion. Can you handle God's increase? Now thats a question.

Rom 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

My Heart Cries Out

Today has started like all the other past few days, nothing spectacular, just a nagging emptiness and void that is slowly being filled, but take into account the word 'slowly'. Everyday since August 29th has been a journey. There have been days when I've felt like Ive sleepwalked through it and can't remember much and others where everything is so vivid.

Yesterday, Marquin took me out to get some fresh air and I almost fainted. LOL. Can you imagine me falling and my poor husband trying to lift up all those pounds of dead weight? Now in retrospect that was a funny moment, but at the time I was angry, scared, hurt and frustrated. Why am I going through all of this, my heart is still broken but to make matters worse my body, not being 100%, is a nagging reminder of what I have lost, which is my son.

Then I remember God and Him losing His son, and how he must have cried and cried and ached and ached as He saw His son tortured and whipped and disgraced. How His heart must have felt like it would explode out of His chest from the pain. How He must have mourned for those three days even though He knew He would see Him again. I know I will see Malik again but my heart still aches for him, I still want to hold him and touch him if only one more time. If only for a moment to look at his eyes and lips and touch his perfect fingers, oh for another moment with him. Just to hold him. But I can't and I know I can't but one day I will. He is with my Father now in heaven, enjoying his life and has never suffered.

I truly believe that in those last moments my Father was with him and he didn't suffer but that he was smiling and never knew pain. There are no words as my heart cries. It will cry for a while but I know that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Pray for your mama Malik as I rest in Him as you are doing now.

This video blessed me. I hope it does the same for you.

"Bracing for Impact" - Are We Ever Truly Prepared For The Storm?

Ephesians 6:13 "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

How do you know if you are ever really ready for a true storm, like a category five? Better question I guess would be, can you truly be ready or properly prepared and protected from a category five? Based on recent history even a category 1 hurricane can kill hundreds. Ask the people in Haiti regarding Gustav and Hanna. Even the weakest storm can pose a great threat, even if you knew it was coming, it all depends of your foundation. It wasn't the storms itself that killed so many people in Haiti,it was their weak foundation, mud slides. It wasn't the Katrina that killed those people in New Orleans, it was a weak levee. Is your foundation strong?

These past few days I was looking at the crazy weather with all the hurricanees that have been plaguing the Caribbean and the Holy Spirit just ministered His word to me. Throughout this whole ordeal, myself, my husband and everyone that we have spoken to has referred to our tragedy as either a test or a storm, saying that this to shall pass. So it wasnt a suprise while I was watching weather reports and the trackings of hurrincanes where the meterologists were giving us all the information that we need to prepare ourselves that I asked God this question, "How do you prepare for a storm, especially like ours?" How do you prepare for your healthy baby to be declared dead in you? How do you prepare to stop dreaming and planning for your child? How do you prepare to see your husband mourn the son that he so eagerly looked forward to seeing and holding and teaching, only to see him hold his lifeless son in his arms and weep for the dreams and plans that would never be? How do you prepare for this storm? There were no warnings, no tracking or measuring system that was telling us to what degree of strength the storm would hit, no idea of how soon the impact and how long it will last. How do you prepare?

I asked God this and His answer was simple, "Your Life In Me". He said that He knows all things and from before He created Marquin and I in the womb He knew about this day and everything that we have learned and experienced apart and together has prepared us for this. Thats why He says, That He Will Never Put More On Us Than We Can Bear. The Father has been preparing us from the beginning. He knows how much we can take and how we will react anc how we will overcome. Shucks even Pastor Myles' messages on faith during this time was apart Him preparing us, especially Marquin since he heard more of them than I did. Then I was like, Wow, that makes so much sense. I remembered before He said this to me that I was thinking how only through my relationship with Him and my trust in Him, am I able to stand and be strong. His word has brought me through and His faithfulness to stand by His word gives me confidence.

I know the God that I serve and thats why He tells us to always put on the whole armour of God so that when the 'day of evil' comes we may be able to stand against the attacks of the enemy. Paul refers to it as the 'day or evil' and thats how August 29th felt, like the day of evil, like the day of devastation that attacks all of your faith, like the day that I almost died in myself. There maybe some that may never experience this day, and I pray you don't, but if you do ensure that you have on your armor. This is the only way to prepare for a day that is not announced to you. Your faith will make you whole and the word of God will counteract all of the lies of the enemy and soothe the pains of death.

I wonder how people who dont know Christ are able to get through something like this? I am not suprised now how people succomb to depression. I remember that next morning, Saturday, waking up in the hospital and saying to myself, "Nahaja you have two options, either lose your mind or stand in the midst of this." There was apart of me that wanted to pull my hair out and scream. I mean scream like a crazy person and lose myself in my deep, crushing hurt but I knew I couldnt. I could not do it for two reasons: 1) My God made me stronger and smarter than that and 2) My husband needed me just as much as I needed him.

Our strength is rooted in our God and His love is with us and He is right here with us in our day of evil. We will get through this, we don't know when the hole of emptiness will be filled, or when the pains of loss will subside but we know that we will get through this. We are standing strong, facing the winds of this storm that is definitly a category 4 or 5. We are holding on to the Holy Spirit and His comfort as we boldly walk forward in the midst of it. The devil is irate, his minons confused because Marquin and I are still standing. We are still strong, better yet we are stronger. The clouds are still there but we see the light. The winds are howling loudly in our ears and pushing against us but we are not afraid because if God is with us, who can be against us. No weapon that is formed against us shall prosper. We are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. We are living testimonies of His grace and ONLY God will get the glory from this and we will not fear having another child, because He has told us that our darkest days are behind us!! Hallelujah!

We serve a mighty and loving God and He is keeping and preserving us for His glory. We are proud to say that we have been tested and we are passing this test!

"Time Heals All Wounds?!?!"

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13

Its been 9 days since our son, Malik was stillborn; 8 days since I woke up in the hospital and really realized that I gave birth to death and would not be bringing home a child that I carried for 8 months, and 7 days since I cried uncontrollably and inconsolably on my husband's chest wishing that it was all a bad dream.

These past 9 days have been a journey and a challenge, days filled with hills and valleys of emotions. On Monday and Tuesday I laughed more than I cried, but on Wednesday my tears would not stop from falling. On Thursday I got a call from some one who didn't know and they asked me "Had the baby yet, mama?" Whap!!! What a blow. Now I'm down in the trenches again. On Friday, I left the house for the first time to take an all to familiar ride to the doctor's office, a place that once brought me joy and excitement that I now dreaded. How would I react to being in a place were little over a week before I was pregnant with a healthy son coming down to the finish line in my due date, to being a few pounds lighter and baby less? How would I react? Would I break down or would I smile and act like nothing happened? To be honest I needed to do the latter and I needed everyone there, the nurses, the receptionist, even doc, to act like nothing had happened. That it, I, we, were all good.

There were moments sitting in the waiting room with Marquin for those brief five minutes that was hard to handle. So many memories, so many hopes, so many family planning conversations Marquin and I shared in that waiting room over the past few months, now just pain and emptiness. But glory be to God in our weakness, His strength is made perfect. We got through it and I only welled up once. We got through it!!!! We are getting through this.

Each day new grace is added to us and we are smiling more and crying less. Our faith is being strengthened and we know that many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them out of them all. There were moments where we felt guilt for smiling or laughing or living and then we were reminded by the Holy Spirit that the Joy of the Lord is our strength. Without His joy how can we overcome? I mean look at the enemy trying a new tactic to win since him taking our son didn't have the effect he was hoping for. Marquin and I are closer than we have ever been and our love for each other is stronger than it ever was and what was meant to devastate and kill us has merely left a scar. We can now breath again. We are no longer in critical condition. We were thrown from a 20 story building and though damaged there is no internal bleeding. Hallelujah! The medicine called the Word of God and the Holy Spirit has been a great combination.

They say time heals all wounds but now I know better, the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter heals all wounds. How else can you explain the fact that we have joy and peace in the midst of this dark time. Only Jesus, only God, only our Savior.

"You're Going To Have To Deliver The Baby"

"Now what, Doc?", was the only question I had in my head after we were told that our boy was now dead inside of me. Now what? How do we get him out? I guess we will have to cut, right?
"We will induce labor and you will have to deliver the baby". Deliver the baby, like give birth to a dead child? Am I losing my mind? This can't be my life, this can't be my body, my baby and my pain? This is unreal. How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? How is this happening? Why me God, why me?

When you are to deliver a baby by nature its suppose to be alive, not dead. Who's cruel joke is this. "I can't do this doc. I can't push out a dead baby. I can't bear this.", was all I could remember saying. My husband, through streams of tears and with a broken voice and heart said that we had to and that a C-Section was not an option. He was not going to possibly lose me too. I relented but my heart was no longer apart of my chest or my body, it was somewhere far away and unrecognizable. How do you bare a loss like this one and to look at my husband who I had never seen cry be broken, how did I manage to screw this one up? How did we get here?

The delivery process was tough but not as bad as people made it out to be, maybe it was directly due to the wonder drug called epidural. The delivery went well I guess since he was delivered. I remember when doc placed him on my chest with Marquin right beside me. He was gorgeous. Our boy looked just like his dad and he had my hair. That moment was hard, to see him and know that he really, really was not alive. That our boy was really not coming home with us, that this was going to be the first time we see him and in the same breath the last time we see him.

Above all else it was my husband's pain that broke my heart. To know that his son, that he was so eagerly awaiting, was not alive. His hurt was so deep that it was devastating. I felt above all that I had failed him but he at moment he must have known what I was thinking and said, "Sweetie this is not your fault. I Love you!" Those moments, holding are stillborn child will never be forgotten. This will ever be engraved in our hearts and mind. Perhaps the pain will ease but the memory of the emotions will never be forgotten.

How do you come into a place filed with excitement and anticpation in one moment and in the next be shattered, broken and lost. The sting of death is real but Marquin kept saying during this is that "We are not above tragedy" and "We'll get through this sweetie, just one day at a time."

August 29th, 2008 - 'There Is No Fetal Heartbeat'

It was around 4 am when I woke up with a lot of discomfort or better yet pain in my lower regions. Pains that were vaguely familiar but new to me so far in this eight month pregnancy. A pregnancy that I felt so blessed to be apart of. Not once had we had any problems with our little bundle of joy. Not one day of 'morning' sickness, not one doctor's visit where the heartbeat wasn't strong. Shucks we were just at the doctors office on Monday for our biweekly visit and our boy was perfect as usual. So when I woke up with familiar pains of cramps i wasn't really worried, just surprised.

To be honest at first I wasnt even sure what it was I was feeling, all i knew was that it was really uncomfortable and aching. So I sat around abit and drank some tea. At about 7am after doing some online research I figured that these pains must be the real deal. "Oh my God, am I in labor? Wow, this is big. This may be the real deal. Ok ok Nahaja, wait. Go and take a shower to see if it helps." Sure nuff it didnt help at all. This was it. We're in labor.

I calmly walk into the bedroom to my snoring husband, nudged him and told him it was time to call our doctor and that we might be in labor. Our boy was coming early. This was exciting. We were 8 months now and ready to go so there were no worries. We called Doc and he said head straight to the hospital. That we did.

The ride there was a thrill for my husband and a real long ride for me. Potholes in the Bahamas makes labor and hospital rides abit rough. Finally we get there and head to our room which cost us a pretty penny for the record. No worries though, all of this would be worth it. We were bringing home our baby boy, our joy from the moment he was concieved, our baby.

We get in the room and the nice nurse Jane says to put on the hospital garb and get on the delivery table. I obey like any first time mom to be and now its time to strap up. She says that she is putting on 2 strap things, one to moniter my contractions and the other to monitor our baby's heart beat. Well the first ultrasound worked fine, I was indeed in labor but the second one to find the baby's heartbeat wasnt picking it up. That was strange, we have never had a problem finding his heartbeat before. Our boy has the heartbeat of a race horse, strong and proud and hey whats to worry about, I felt him kick at about 6 am anyway. She just wasnt looking in the right place. So she kept looking. After about 5 mins of feeling around and listening and still no heartbeat it was time to bring in the big boy machine the ultrasound machine. Now we're talking! Finally, enough with the toy machines lets get serious and find my boy's heart beat.

By this time, doc was there and so was the technician with the machine. On my right was the technician and the machine and on my left were nurse Jane, Doc and my husband whose face was now wrought with concern. They shut off the lights and now it was time to show these people that my boy was just playing hide and seek with them using all of his mom's sense of humor. The technician looks for the heart and there he was just laying there as usual, but the one thing that was different was that when they measured the heartbeat I saw a flat line. Now Im worried. Now Im deathly concerned. Why is there a flatline? The room is quite and no one is saying a word, including the technician. I look at Doc and he isnt saying anything. Why is everyone so quite? Someone tell me whats going on because what I am seeing is not what is and if it is what I think it is, hurry up and cut me, get him out so that he can breathe. My baby isnt dead! No way, no how, he isnt dead!

The lights cut on and my husband, Marquin, is by my side, his face as confused as mine. "What's going on doc?", he asked. Then our doctor says it, he says the words that will forever be engraved in my head, "There is no fetal heartbeat. He is no longer with us."

Was this for real? What did he mean that there was no heartbeat. Come on doc, you have this wrong. This cant be for real. This cant be us. What do you mean that there is no heartbeat. Are you saying that my baby, our baby who has been kicking and turning and playing since he was big enough is dead. This is crazy!!! How can this be? How did this happen? What did I do?

With all of these thoughts running through my head and the shock of the news I looked over at my husband and I saw the pain in his eyes that came straight from his heart and we both broke down. This was for real. This was our life that was just shattered. How is this possible?