"You're Going To Have To Deliver The Baby"

"Now what, Doc?", was the only question I had in my head after we were told that our boy was now dead inside of me. Now what? How do we get him out? I guess we will have to cut, right?
"We will induce labor and you will have to deliver the baby". Deliver the baby, like give birth to a dead child? Am I losing my mind? This can't be my life, this can't be my body, my baby and my pain? This is unreal. How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? How is this happening? Why me God, why me?

When you are to deliver a baby by nature its suppose to be alive, not dead. Who's cruel joke is this. "I can't do this doc. I can't push out a dead baby. I can't bear this.", was all I could remember saying. My husband, through streams of tears and with a broken voice and heart said that we had to and that a C-Section was not an option. He was not going to possibly lose me too. I relented but my heart was no longer apart of my chest or my body, it was somewhere far away and unrecognizable. How do you bare a loss like this one and to look at my husband who I had never seen cry be broken, how did I manage to screw this one up? How did we get here?

The delivery process was tough but not as bad as people made it out to be, maybe it was directly due to the wonder drug called epidural. The delivery went well I guess since he was delivered. I remember when doc placed him on my chest with Marquin right beside me. He was gorgeous. Our boy looked just like his dad and he had my hair. That moment was hard, to see him and know that he really, really was not alive. That our boy was really not coming home with us, that this was going to be the first time we see him and in the same breath the last time we see him.

Above all else it was my husband's pain that broke my heart. To know that his son, that he was so eagerly awaiting, was not alive. His hurt was so deep that it was devastating. I felt above all that I had failed him but he at moment he must have known what I was thinking and said, "Sweetie this is not your fault. I Love you!" Those moments, holding are stillborn child will never be forgotten. This will ever be engraved in our hearts and mind. Perhaps the pain will ease but the memory of the emotions will never be forgotten.

How do you come into a place filed with excitement and anticpation in one moment and in the next be shattered, broken and lost. The sting of death is real but Marquin kept saying during this is that "We are not above tragedy" and "We'll get through this sweetie, just one day at a time."

August 29th, 2008 - 'There Is No Fetal Heartbeat'

It was around 4 am when I woke up with a lot of discomfort or better yet pain in my lower regions. Pains that were vaguely familiar but new to me so far in this eight month pregnancy. A pregnancy that I felt so blessed to be apart of. Not once had we had any problems with our little bundle of joy. Not one day of 'morning' sickness, not one doctor's visit where the heartbeat wasn't strong. Shucks we were just at the doctors office on Monday for our biweekly visit and our boy was perfect as usual. So when I woke up with familiar pains of cramps i wasn't really worried, just surprised.

To be honest at first I wasnt even sure what it was I was feeling, all i knew was that it was really uncomfortable and aching. So I sat around abit and drank some tea. At about 7am after doing some online research I figured that these pains must be the real deal. "Oh my God, am I in labor? Wow, this is big. This may be the real deal. Ok ok Nahaja, wait. Go and take a shower to see if it helps." Sure nuff it didnt help at all. This was it. We're in labor.

I calmly walk into the bedroom to my snoring husband, nudged him and told him it was time to call our doctor and that we might be in labor. Our boy was coming early. This was exciting. We were 8 months now and ready to go so there were no worries. We called Doc and he said head straight to the hospital. That we did.

The ride there was a thrill for my husband and a real long ride for me. Potholes in the Bahamas makes labor and hospital rides abit rough. Finally we get there and head to our room which cost us a pretty penny for the record. No worries though, all of this would be worth it. We were bringing home our baby boy, our joy from the moment he was concieved, our baby.

We get in the room and the nice nurse Jane says to put on the hospital garb and get on the delivery table. I obey like any first time mom to be and now its time to strap up. She says that she is putting on 2 strap things, one to moniter my contractions and the other to monitor our baby's heart beat. Well the first ultrasound worked fine, I was indeed in labor but the second one to find the baby's heartbeat wasnt picking it up. That was strange, we have never had a problem finding his heartbeat before. Our boy has the heartbeat of a race horse, strong and proud and hey whats to worry about, I felt him kick at about 6 am anyway. She just wasnt looking in the right place. So she kept looking. After about 5 mins of feeling around and listening and still no heartbeat it was time to bring in the big boy machine the ultrasound machine. Now we're talking! Finally, enough with the toy machines lets get serious and find my boy's heart beat.

By this time, doc was there and so was the technician with the machine. On my right was the technician and the machine and on my left were nurse Jane, Doc and my husband whose face was now wrought with concern. They shut off the lights and now it was time to show these people that my boy was just playing hide and seek with them using all of his mom's sense of humor. The technician looks for the heart and there he was just laying there as usual, but the one thing that was different was that when they measured the heartbeat I saw a flat line. Now Im worried. Now Im deathly concerned. Why is there a flatline? The room is quite and no one is saying a word, including the technician. I look at Doc and he isnt saying anything. Why is everyone so quite? Someone tell me whats going on because what I am seeing is not what is and if it is what I think it is, hurry up and cut me, get him out so that he can breathe. My baby isnt dead! No way, no how, he isnt dead!

The lights cut on and my husband, Marquin, is by my side, his face as confused as mine. "What's going on doc?", he asked. Then our doctor says it, he says the words that will forever be engraved in my head, "There is no fetal heartbeat. He is no longer with us."

Was this for real? What did he mean that there was no heartbeat. Come on doc, you have this wrong. This cant be for real. This cant be us. What do you mean that there is no heartbeat. Are you saying that my baby, our baby who has been kicking and turning and playing since he was big enough is dead. This is crazy!!! How can this be? How did this happen? What did I do?

With all of these thoughts running through my head and the shock of the news I looked over at my husband and I saw the pain in his eyes that came straight from his heart and we both broke down. This was for real. This was our life that was just shattered. How is this possible?