Questions

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Prov 4:7

After losing a child before he has even had a chance to live, many questions are asked, mostly by myself and then by others. Questions one may find illogical and another may find 100% founded based on the circumstance. In my mind there were a million questions after doc told us that there was no fetal heartbeat. A million questions directed at many people, including myself.

Questions Asked To The Doctor:

1) WHAT?

2) How did this happen?

3) How could this happen?

4) Was it something I did?

5) Will it happen again?

6) Why didn't you see that something was wrong?

7) What do you mean most of the time there is no explanation for a stillbirth, our baby was alive yesterday and this morning?

8) What do you mean we will have to deliver him?

9) Are you crazy?

10) Is there a chance you can be wrong?

Questions I asked Myself:

1) How did this happen?

2) What did I do to deserve this?

3) Is this all a bad dream?

4) Did I hear him (the doctor) right?

5) Will my husband still love me?

6) Does my husband blame me for the loss of his son?

7) How did I screw this up?

8) How am I going to get through this?

9) What will I say to everyone who was so excited about my pregnancy?

10) How will I face the world after this failure?

Questions I asked God:

1) Why me, Lord? Why me?

2) Why give us a baby and then let the enemy take him away before we even got to know him?

3) How can this be your will?

4) How will we get through this Lord?

5) Father are you there?

6) How long will this pain and devastation last?

7) Are you taking care of Marquin?

8) Why did you let me pray for Malik the morning before, covering him with your blood, asking you to protect him in the womb, asking You for a healthy baby and to make him a great man, if You Knew he would be dead the next morning? Why?

Of all of the questions asked that one right there was the one that plagued me the most. I have heard people say DON'T QUESTION GOD, but I find it hard to believe that God wouldn't want us to question Him. He say's ask and ye shall receive. Why is it we think that we have to ask God for a 'thing/object' only? What if all I want is an answer, is that a sin?

In the 1st chapter of Job, the last verse it said "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.", and I thought hey one thing I am not doing is charging God with the death of my son. That was never the problem so can I ask Him one question, "Why did you let me pray for my son intently and intensely the morning before he died in my womb? I feel like a fool God. Imagine the enemy snickering and his minions laughing at me saying, "She doesn't know whats coming. Wait until tomorrow and we will see if you pray then." My question to my Father was simply, "Why?"

To be honest I was angry. My grief had moved from shock and numbness, to hurt, devastation, then to anger. But how could I be angry with God? So then I checked myself but I still needed an answer from the One who Knows all things. So I asked Him and surprisingly, I did get my answer. It was right there in the first chapter of Job.

Job 1:4-5 " His sons used to take turns hosting parties in their homes, always inviting their three sisters to join them in their merrymaking. When the parties were over, Job would get up early in the morning and sacrifice a burnt offering for each of his children, thinking, "Maybe one of them sinned by defying God inwardly." Job made a habit of this sacrificial atonement, just in case they'd sinned."

Job was famous to God for covering his children. No matter what, he did so just in case they sinned against God. Job prayed for his children and kept them before the Father, just like I did Malik. Though I never prayed that God would forgive Malik of his sins since he was still sinless, I did pray that God would protect him and cover him and keep him safe. The Father ministered to me that the reason why I prayed was becasue I was doing what all good God fearing parents do, which is cover their children.

Though the Father knew what was to be the following morning He allowed me the opportunity to pray for my child one last time. He reminded me of my prayers and I know one day our sons that will be born healthy, strong, gentle and wise will be the total sum of all of the prayers that I prayed over Malik. Even though the Father didn't warn me of the storm to come He knew, just like He knew about Job, that I and Marquin, we, would overcome and instead of losing faith our faith would increase.

I am certain if the enemy knew that Marquin and I would increase in praise he would have tried another tactic. Oh but no waepon formed against us will prosper. We are indeed the head and not the tail, we are above and not beneath. We Are More Than Conquerors. Our Latter will be greater than the rest. Ask God questions and know that He will answer you. He is just that faithful. Even when you ask 'Why' be prepared for the answer. All along the Father was just looking for an excuse to bless Job with a double portion. Can you handle God's increase? Now thats a question.

Rom 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

My Heart Cries Out

Today has started like all the other past few days, nothing spectacular, just a nagging emptiness and void that is slowly being filled, but take into account the word 'slowly'. Everyday since August 29th has been a journey. There have been days when I've felt like Ive sleepwalked through it and can't remember much and others where everything is so vivid.

Yesterday, Marquin took me out to get some fresh air and I almost fainted. LOL. Can you imagine me falling and my poor husband trying to lift up all those pounds of dead weight? Now in retrospect that was a funny moment, but at the time I was angry, scared, hurt and frustrated. Why am I going through all of this, my heart is still broken but to make matters worse my body, not being 100%, is a nagging reminder of what I have lost, which is my son.

Then I remember God and Him losing His son, and how he must have cried and cried and ached and ached as He saw His son tortured and whipped and disgraced. How His heart must have felt like it would explode out of His chest from the pain. How He must have mourned for those three days even though He knew He would see Him again. I know I will see Malik again but my heart still aches for him, I still want to hold him and touch him if only one more time. If only for a moment to look at his eyes and lips and touch his perfect fingers, oh for another moment with him. Just to hold him. But I can't and I know I can't but one day I will. He is with my Father now in heaven, enjoying his life and has never suffered.

I truly believe that in those last moments my Father was with him and he didn't suffer but that he was smiling and never knew pain. There are no words as my heart cries. It will cry for a while but I know that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. Pray for your mama Malik as I rest in Him as you are doing now.

This video blessed me. I hope it does the same for you.

"Bracing for Impact" - Are We Ever Truly Prepared For The Storm?

Ephesians 6:13 "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

How do you know if you are ever really ready for a true storm, like a category five? Better question I guess would be, can you truly be ready or properly prepared and protected from a category five? Based on recent history even a category 1 hurricane can kill hundreds. Ask the people in Haiti regarding Gustav and Hanna. Even the weakest storm can pose a great threat, even if you knew it was coming, it all depends of your foundation. It wasn't the storms itself that killed so many people in Haiti,it was their weak foundation, mud slides. It wasn't the Katrina that killed those people in New Orleans, it was a weak levee. Is your foundation strong?

These past few days I was looking at the crazy weather with all the hurricanees that have been plaguing the Caribbean and the Holy Spirit just ministered His word to me. Throughout this whole ordeal, myself, my husband and everyone that we have spoken to has referred to our tragedy as either a test or a storm, saying that this to shall pass. So it wasnt a suprise while I was watching weather reports and the trackings of hurrincanes where the meterologists were giving us all the information that we need to prepare ourselves that I asked God this question, "How do you prepare for a storm, especially like ours?" How do you prepare for your healthy baby to be declared dead in you? How do you prepare to stop dreaming and planning for your child? How do you prepare to see your husband mourn the son that he so eagerly looked forward to seeing and holding and teaching, only to see him hold his lifeless son in his arms and weep for the dreams and plans that would never be? How do you prepare for this storm? There were no warnings, no tracking or measuring system that was telling us to what degree of strength the storm would hit, no idea of how soon the impact and how long it will last. How do you prepare?

I asked God this and His answer was simple, "Your Life In Me". He said that He knows all things and from before He created Marquin and I in the womb He knew about this day and everything that we have learned and experienced apart and together has prepared us for this. Thats why He says, That He Will Never Put More On Us Than We Can Bear. The Father has been preparing us from the beginning. He knows how much we can take and how we will react anc how we will overcome. Shucks even Pastor Myles' messages on faith during this time was apart Him preparing us, especially Marquin since he heard more of them than I did. Then I was like, Wow, that makes so much sense. I remembered before He said this to me that I was thinking how only through my relationship with Him and my trust in Him, am I able to stand and be strong. His word has brought me through and His faithfulness to stand by His word gives me confidence.

I know the God that I serve and thats why He tells us to always put on the whole armour of God so that when the 'day of evil' comes we may be able to stand against the attacks of the enemy. Paul refers to it as the 'day or evil' and thats how August 29th felt, like the day of evil, like the day of devastation that attacks all of your faith, like the day that I almost died in myself. There maybe some that may never experience this day, and I pray you don't, but if you do ensure that you have on your armor. This is the only way to prepare for a day that is not announced to you. Your faith will make you whole and the word of God will counteract all of the lies of the enemy and soothe the pains of death.

I wonder how people who dont know Christ are able to get through something like this? I am not suprised now how people succomb to depression. I remember that next morning, Saturday, waking up in the hospital and saying to myself, "Nahaja you have two options, either lose your mind or stand in the midst of this." There was apart of me that wanted to pull my hair out and scream. I mean scream like a crazy person and lose myself in my deep, crushing hurt but I knew I couldnt. I could not do it for two reasons: 1) My God made me stronger and smarter than that and 2) My husband needed me just as much as I needed him.

Our strength is rooted in our God and His love is with us and He is right here with us in our day of evil. We will get through this, we don't know when the hole of emptiness will be filled, or when the pains of loss will subside but we know that we will get through this. We are standing strong, facing the winds of this storm that is definitly a category 4 or 5. We are holding on to the Holy Spirit and His comfort as we boldly walk forward in the midst of it. The devil is irate, his minons confused because Marquin and I are still standing. We are still strong, better yet we are stronger. The clouds are still there but we see the light. The winds are howling loudly in our ears and pushing against us but we are not afraid because if God is with us, who can be against us. No weapon that is formed against us shall prosper. We are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. We are living testimonies of His grace and ONLY God will get the glory from this and we will not fear having another child, because He has told us that our darkest days are behind us!! Hallelujah!

We serve a mighty and loving God and He is keeping and preserving us for His glory. We are proud to say that we have been tested and we are passing this test!

"Time Heals All Wounds?!?!"

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13

Its been 9 days since our son, Malik was stillborn; 8 days since I woke up in the hospital and really realized that I gave birth to death and would not be bringing home a child that I carried for 8 months, and 7 days since I cried uncontrollably and inconsolably on my husband's chest wishing that it was all a bad dream.

These past 9 days have been a journey and a challenge, days filled with hills and valleys of emotions. On Monday and Tuesday I laughed more than I cried, but on Wednesday my tears would not stop from falling. On Thursday I got a call from some one who didn't know and they asked me "Had the baby yet, mama?" Whap!!! What a blow. Now I'm down in the trenches again. On Friday, I left the house for the first time to take an all to familiar ride to the doctor's office, a place that once brought me joy and excitement that I now dreaded. How would I react to being in a place were little over a week before I was pregnant with a healthy son coming down to the finish line in my due date, to being a few pounds lighter and baby less? How would I react? Would I break down or would I smile and act like nothing happened? To be honest I needed to do the latter and I needed everyone there, the nurses, the receptionist, even doc, to act like nothing had happened. That it, I, we, were all good.

There were moments sitting in the waiting room with Marquin for those brief five minutes that was hard to handle. So many memories, so many hopes, so many family planning conversations Marquin and I shared in that waiting room over the past few months, now just pain and emptiness. But glory be to God in our weakness, His strength is made perfect. We got through it and I only welled up once. We got through it!!!! We are getting through this.

Each day new grace is added to us and we are smiling more and crying less. Our faith is being strengthened and we know that many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers them out of them all. There were moments where we felt guilt for smiling or laughing or living and then we were reminded by the Holy Spirit that the Joy of the Lord is our strength. Without His joy how can we overcome? I mean look at the enemy trying a new tactic to win since him taking our son didn't have the effect he was hoping for. Marquin and I are closer than we have ever been and our love for each other is stronger than it ever was and what was meant to devastate and kill us has merely left a scar. We can now breath again. We are no longer in critical condition. We were thrown from a 20 story building and though damaged there is no internal bleeding. Hallelujah! The medicine called the Word of God and the Holy Spirit has been a great combination.

They say time heals all wounds but now I know better, the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter heals all wounds. How else can you explain the fact that we have joy and peace in the midst of this dark time. Only Jesus, only God, only our Savior.