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I have been laying here for a while desperately thinking of how I would start this chapter in my blog. I have been racking my brain for a great introductory statement that would help explain how my world has changed, how when I see, whether my eyes are open or closed I see my son on my chest and him so looking peaceful. How when I see a little girl or boy in their school uniform I see a baby that lived and is now growing up to hopefully fulfill their destiny in this life. My eyes see hope but at the same time my heart feels loss. Even when I am having a good day the images of Malik flash across my mind as a reminder of what I have lost. One day this pain will subside but I guess today is not that day.
I think of the plans that Marquin and I made to share our lives with Malik. A funny one would be how we had planned, since we both love football but root for different teams, that we would share him. We would buy two NFL jerseys, one of the Colts and the other of the Cowboys and cut them in half and sew it into one jersey until Malik was old enough to pick sides. I was even thinking of face paint. LOL Before his death my mind's eye saw us three going to the carnival, taking trips or just sitting in the living room eating popcorn and enjoying the Sunday football games. I had already seen him going to kindergarden the first day and then graduating from college. I saw him playing with his father in the backyard of our home and him and his dad talking about girls. I saw so much. Now when my eyes see a football game, or a student, or even some commercials all I can now see and feel is that those dreams will never become a reality, but I cant stop the images in my head. I cant stop the pain in my heart, and there are some days when I just can't stop the tears. How do you just stop loving a child or dreaming for them when for eight months thats all you did? How come no one told me that this was even a possibility? How come I didnt see this one coming?
Yet my eyes see differently now. I see life in everything even though death and loss is prevelant. I am reminded that once we have breath in our lungs we have hope, but once we are 'gone' we are nothing but a memory. A memory of moments shared and of plans undone. Whilst we are alive we must embrace each day with joy and purpose.
To be honest I wonder why I ever decided to write this blog. Who is it helping? Who cares what Im going through, when there are people all over the world who have gone through worse situations than mine. Who am I to feel pity for myself? There is no victory in sorrow. Who am I helping? Is there a greater purpose for why we are going through this, Father? Is there a greater purpose? The saddest thing in my mind would be to go through something like this and it never help a soul. My greatest fear is that we fail at this test. We cannot fail at this test. Someone, one day will be helped by our testimony. Someone somewhere in the world will know that they are not alone and that the pain, shock, anger, guilt and confusion that they feel is apart of the grieving process but that there is a God who is with them through this and His name is Jesus. A God who can save us from our sorrows, who can dampen the sting of death. There will be dark days but through it all the light of His truth leads us home.
Please, let me know if this blog is helping or encouraging you in anyway because right now it seems as if its only helping me. If you want to follow this blog, just click on the "Follow This Blog" link on the left and leave a comment. Thanks for your prayers.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A Song I Wanted To Share
Hey there guys, here is a songs that my friend Crystal sent to me and it really blessed my heart and encouraged me. It was written and sung by a couple that also lost their baby. With today being a rough day, getting this song reminded me that we will see Malik again. He is heaven's baby now and I know he is doing far better than even the happiest person on earth. To our Glory Baby, Mommy & Daddy loves you and misses you.
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