My Mind

I feel like im going crazy. I wanna cry but I cant. Im afraid that if I do I will totally lose it. Does that make sense? I don't feel any closer to God than before this all happened. Im lost. Im a ticking time bomb, just waiting to erupt into tears and pent up rage. Right now I feel nothing, nada, no pain, no anger, no joy, NOTHING? I am the walking dead. Im finding it even hard to talk with God now, all I can do is listen. I wonder if that is a good thing. Im an empty shell, walking about aimlessly, not able to concentrate or think straight. I guess thats why Ive been on a reading frenzy lately, it helps to take my mind on another journey. I hate the quite time, the moments alone but I still dont want to be amongst people yet. I am not yet ready to look into peoples eyes and see their pity for me and their remorse. I cant deal with that yet.

Gridlocked, dazed and confused. Lost and ambivalent. Torn and broken. Destroyed and dismayed. Whatever this phase is in the grief process I hate it. Why cant i feel anything anymore other than nothing? I want to cry so that this hurt would disappear but its not happening. Why can't I be like normal people and cry myself to sleep for the first few months until i can cry no more. Today makes 4 weeks since Malik's death and I am not feeling anything? What the heck is that?

The Pain of This Postpartum Body

Right now I wish I were thousands of miles away from my life. I wish I were on an adventure or doing something more than sitting here in this postpartum body. My body is proving to be the sick reminder of Malik everyday. Everyday that I hurt from merely sitting or laughing and feel the pangs of pain I am reminded that I shouldn't be happy. I hate this place of helplessness I'm in right now. I am not use to this. I wish I would be well and whole already.

Everyone says to, "Take it easy you just had a child." At times I just want to scream and ask, "Where Is This child That I Just Had? Where is he? He's dead and Im here stuck being reminded that he's dead." God it hurts. It hurts soo bad sometimes its hard to breathe, hard to look in the mirror and hard to pray. I try to work and its hard to concentrate. My arms and my heart are empty. I was never suppose to roll out of that hospital without my son. I wasn't suppose to be on pills that stop the production of the breast milk my body started to produce from his conception. The pain my body suffered was to be overshadowed by the joy of us having our child. Our son would be home with us while I was on bed rest and soaking in salt water to heal up. Now all I have our empty arms and stitches as constant reminders.

The pain my body feels is only exacerbated by the pain my heart feels. I'm hurting. My heart hurts, my eyes hurt from crying, my head hurts from thinking. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sad and most of all I'm tired of being sick. I try to be strong but there are days when I feel that I am only one word, one image, one thought away from a breakdown. One day all of this pain will be gone but I guess today just isn't that day. No one who hasn't gone through this will ever understand the hurt but if there is anything that you can always do, is simply to pray. Pray for me and my family so that we remain strong or better yet that the Father becomes our strength because I'm short on strength today.

The Fear of Forgetfulness

Isaiah 61:2-3 (Amplified Bible) 2To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] ^[a]and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,^(A) 3To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion--to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit--that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.

Today I don't know what to say or how to say it. I'm filled with a million thoughts and a million feelings. This morning i woke up and my eyes immediately filled with tears. I thought of him as I just laid there - not planning of thinking of him -but I just did. I remembered his hair, his little beautiful hands, his beautiful feet, the way he danced with me when we listened to music or when I sang a song in the car. I remembered how he kicked me every time, and I mean every time I misbehaved, which was alot. I remembered how he would jump when he heard his father speak to him or kiss my belly. I remembered him...and it hurt. The stabs of a hundred knives is all I can reasonably gather that pain felt like. My tears fell silently but profusely staining my pillow, a giant knot filled my throat making it hard to breathe, I miss him.

I know it may seem silly to some since I only held him for a few minutes but it felt as if he has been apart of my life my entire life. I worry that I will forget him, since some days I actually enjoy the day. The sad days are far further apart and I wonder if I am grieving wrong. In a sick way I was actually happy that I still ache for him. I want to know that I will never forget him or his beautiful face. I don't want to forget him but at the same time I dont want to hurt anymore. I want to know, "How do I mesh the two?" How do I love and live with loss? Does anyone have the answer for me?

A very good friend of mine just gave birth to her long awaited baby boy and I am soo happy for her but its been hard. I havent seen her or spoken to her because I don't know yet if I can handle it. Actually, I know I can't handle it yet. I feel like a terrible friend in that I am not there to celebrate in her joy and the wonderful life and promise she has in her son but the wounds I bear are still to fresh. I really wish that I could be a stronger person but I find that this is where I am weak.

My dad told me the other day that I need to move on and called this "small things". I know he wasn't trying to be cruel or insensitive but he just doesn't understand, apart of me wants to grieve forever so that I can punish myself for this failure but I know that that doesn't make sense and doesn't serve my husband or my purpose any good. However, I am finding it hard to just 'get over it'. Its bigger than "small things", its so much bigger than that. I pray, I really do pray that no one ever has to experience this, to lose a love so dear to them. This is the biggest tragedy in my life and like I said in an earlier blog I didn't see it coming but I will survive and better than that I will conquer, but 'Oh God, WHEN????'