Posts
Funny I havent posted anything in a while. I know my last entry was a bit cryptic but Im good. Just frustrated. There is still this emptiness that I seem not to be able to fill and now Im here just being, just living but with little life in me. I still can laugh which is good but its a fleeting joy. It seems never to last. I need the moment to last. I don't think that Im depressed but I think that I am now seeing my life through stronger lens and am now confronted with how empty my life is. Maybe this is the reason for me losing my son. Maybe God wanted me to see that my life was and is wrapped around so many other things rather than Him. Maybe all of this is not because He's proud of me but maybe more to the fact that I may have other gods beside or above Him. What do you think? Hahaha look at me asking the reader. Now that's classic.
These are the days of my life. All week I've had people ask me, "So did you have the baby yet?" or "When did you have the baby?". To be honest I find it more amazing that all of Nassau doesnt know since it feels like my entire pregnancy was known by the majority of the Bahamian public. I think the enemy was just trying to rattle my cage. However, Im thinking that he's gonna have to work a wee bit harder. Im getting tougher now and even though at times I still can't believe that this is my life. So be it.
Yesterday, I was driving home from church and a wave of sadness hit me and I pulled over by the beach out by the caves and just sat there in my car, listening to the waves crash on the shore in a hypnotizing melody. Inside I wanted to break down and just let it all go, but I was afraid that if I did I would find myself being carted off in the little pink bus to the big pink house. So I sat there and sighed. I just prayed and asked God to look at me and see that Im tired and I need Him to fill me. You know a 'no work but get paid' freebie. I could use one of those. Where He fills me with Him without me having to fast and pray, and fast and pray some more.
