Its Not Over...

Today, two, almost 3 years later, we confirmed that we are pregnant. Today, almost 3 years later, I realized that its not over. The loss of our son at eight and a half months, almost 3 years ago, and the conception of a new one, has exposed a hidden demon, FEAR. Today fear gripped me hard and knocked the wind out of me. Today fear said loudly in my ear, "I Have You Now. You will not know peace through this process because 'What If' it happens again? What if my friend death comes and steals your bundle of joy again? How will you cope? Can your marriage survive two still births? What if we take him away in the first trimester or the second? Just like the last time you won't know when we will strike. I have you now Nahaja. Your peace is mine."

Today fear taunted me and I tried hard to fight back, to say Im not listening but I felt myself being swallowed up by that black hole. This darkness of defeat where I have no control. A darkness similar to being a deserted dark alley that you have to pass through, you're hearing footsteps behind you and your always looking over your shoulder, afraid of what the darkness holds. A darkness I am not familiar with, a place where I am helpless. I told my husband today that I wished that I had done something wrong that may have caused our son's premature passing at least that way I could say that I won't make that mistake again but there is nothing and I mean nothing that I can think of that I did that caused this.

Today I was reminded of the medical definition of our baby's death, Placental Abruption. What kind of name is that right. Well its the name that haunts me and one that I will have to push out of my mind for the rest of the pregnancy.

I asked my husband if he thinks if God loves us enough to not allow us to go through that again? If he thinks that He will spare us from that kinda of pain. Its been a long road to even get to this point since we have been trying to get pregnant since March. That process alone was scary and frustrating.

Today, however, I reminded myself that He does love me and He does know my hearts desire. He wants us to be parents just as much as we do. The Father has us covered and all that I am feeling is just that feelings and not fact. Yes, we lost our baby but no, we won't lose another one.

Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real and I won't let it be real to me anymore.